Radical Thankfulness

reformedbaptistfellowship.org

We all know we’re supposed to be thankful, and most of us express gratitude during our daily life. Thankfulness  is something I think about and express most often when things are awesome, or enjoyable, or they suck and I’m trying to feel better. There’s  the “Big Wow!” gratitude that I give when something awesome happens, like the birth of a baby, or a marriage, or a miracle recovery, or a long sought after job, or any huge blessing or payoff of hard work.  Hearing so often that we need even more appreciation in our life though,  I have been also been  trying to cultivate “Everyday gratitude” in my daily life as well.  I am  getting back to saying  grace before meals,  I am very appreciative when I get a good parking space, green lights, dinner turns out good and pleases everyone,  or one of the kids has had a really good day.   I also practice  a kind of  “Condolence Gratitude”,  which is getting to a place of appreciation  when things don’t go my way, like when the line at  Walmart is huge, but then I think of how there are people waiting in huge lines at refugee camps for a bowl of mush or less, and I feel less impatient.     All of these types of  gratitude  help move me   forward to the next  moment. Unfortunately I’ve begun to realize that it’s surface and circular.  That is, I have to keep finding something good or bad to get to a place of gratitude. It doesn’t last, and most importantly, it doesn’t heal the pain that lies beneath it or that  inspires it.

            Last night though I was privileged to be a part of a weekly women’s study of The Resolution for Women.  led by a good friend at church, that had changed my thinking on thankfulness. Let me back up though a bit and share with you that for awhile now I’ve been plagued by how I work, that is to say, that something I want happens and I’m happy, something I don’t want happens and I’m sad.   It seems my thinking, and my spiritual and emotional wellness, seems to  depend on whether I get what I want or not. That doesn’t seem very spiritual.  And though I believe my spiritual truth is to commune with God, I see that what  I am really doing is communicating with God to either praise or plead. I don’t like that very much. I know it’s normal, and it’s not bad. But what bothers me the most is that I’m basing my happiness and spiritual truth on whether I get my way.  And that’s not to say that what I want is bad, or not what God wants for us. I believe our truth is to live joy, I really do. But the more I  spiritually seek, the more I see that true joy isn’t circumstantial. Just like true love is unconditional, true joy comes without strings. It’s not there because. It is.

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              What I’ve come to see about myself more and more it seems is I can’t live joyfully when I put demands on what makes me happy. I’m not saying we should be happy about tragedy, or that we shouldn’t feel bad when things don’t go our way. There’s no judging; we work how we work, and I believe it’s intended. We are free, we must learn, that involves suffering, unfortunately. And probably like most people, I don’t want to suffer anymore. And it seems to me that the biggest cause of my suffering is putting conditions on my life. Because the thing is, God is everywhere, and every when. We are created by and from the Divine. Our peace isn’t in this world, it’s in the force that creates it. And when I’m preoccupied by what’s being created, I’m missing out. Because I could be being one with the Creator instead!

spiritualclarity.wordpress.com

             So,that takes us back to last night. We were reading the chapter “Divine Appointments”, and  working on taking turns sharing our answers to the questions at the end of the chapter.  One of the questions the author, Priscilla Shirer, asked was “What are you required to do that goes against rationale or cultural pressure to stay committed to what heaven is calling you to do in this season of life?” I thought about how I dissatisfied I was with my happiness being defined by the world. I started to write, “Radical Self-Acceptance”. But I wasn’t happy with that. It’s not about  acceptance, because that too, is about the world.  No, it was   “Radical Thankfulness”! The idea of being thankful about everything has been known to me for awhile, and almost constantly met with a groan.  I didn’t want to be happy about bad stuff, I wanted no bad stuff! But the trouble with that is that it keeps us rooted to our material existence, whereas Spirit leads us to understand that It is not of this world.

http://www.simply-rebekah.com

                                          “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives.”

John 14:27

 His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

2 Peter 1:3-4

“There is no path to happiness: happiness is the path.”
― Gautama Buddha

“Peace comes from within.  Do not seek it without.”
― Gautama Buddha

http://www.theundergroundrailroad.ca

                I think about what frustrates me and what angers me and what makes me happy and I see that I have built my happiness and self awareness on unstable ground.  I have constructed my world in a state of reaction, only finding contentment when I get what I want, but only momentarily,  because life continues  and I’m keep constantly  kept needing more, like an addict. No wonder we find ourselves with addictions…it’s how we live our life!

               I’m not being called by Spirit to accept myself…I’m being called to redefine myself in the nature of Spirit Itself! Not as a person who has or hasn’t, is or isn’t, but as one who is blessed to be. As one who is. With the biggest “IS” ever. I mean, that’s amazing! It’s radical. Radical Thankfulness. Being in a state of joy and gratitude for Being who and whose we are. I love it!

           So I go to bed full of good vibes, and I wake up with doubt! Here I had a huge change in my awareness, and my feeling, but  I still had to get the kids to school on time and not get stressed about umpteen million things today because I should be able to be content now that I know this right?  But, when Is tarted to feel that stress, yes, I gave thanks for it! And I was reminded again of of the peace of that radical thankfulness. I am not what I feel.  I am not what I think. Those things are expressed in the living of my life,  but there is so much more open and available  to me, when I  let go and be appreciative of just being. And I’m so grateful to have been reminded of that this morning.

To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.—William Blake – Auguries of Innocence
*Photo from katalystcompany.com*

Safe

mysafetysign.com

Happy New Year!

I know  this year was a  tough one for the  whole world. Economy  woes and political and social unrest have swept across the globe, with many fighting for their rights and very lives, and many of those lives lost. We are fortunate in many  ways here in America, but  it was a  challenging year , with the tragic  mas shootings  in Colorado, Wisconsin, Minneapolis, and Connecticut, and the aggressive polarization of our political parties ( say that 3 times fast!).

This last year was tough for my family. Early in 2012,  my mother-in law passed away, joining my dear father-in-law in heaven.  This  tragedy was followed by our getting rear-ended just before the funeral, and then later  by several household incidents involving the breaking down of most of the large appliances in our home, including a sewer pipe that caused our entire basement to be flooded and contaminated and had numerous other unfortunate  incidents  throughout the summer, so much so that we now refer to it as the summer of the 10  Plagues of Egypt. We were also  on the receiving end of  two more car collisions right before Christmas!

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In times like these, it’s hard not to become afraid and angry. We see young women getting shot or doused with acid simply by choosing to  get an education, people losing their lives because they were fans of Batman, and innocent children losing their lives by attending their elementary school, floods and other forces of nature wiping out whole towns and taking lives, and at some point most of us feel like throwing our hands up in despair. Life obviously  is scary,  people are dangerous, we are not safe, and there’s nothing we can really do about it.

But as I sit here, reflecting on the last year, I am  still in awe of our world,  because there is still so much good in it.  People paying off layaway so families can have Christmas. Folks helping others without food, or power or medical care after Hurricane Sandy. The man who coincidentally saved the same stranger twice, 8 yrs apart.  The Jewish Israeli And Muslim Palestinian men  protesting for peace between their peoples. And so many more stories! Whether it’s people risking their lives for others,  sharing what they have, or  just taking the time to be kind, these actions change not only the recipients, but those of us witnessing it as well. Though terrible things happen, love is still stronger than fear, and  triumphs over hate.

betterphoto.com

Despite the past year,my family and I also  have a lot to be thankful for. We were never hurt in any of the three collisions. Some dear church friends helped Steve and the big boys clear our basement after our flood, which saved us hundred of dollars. We got badly needed new windows for our house, and my husband and I were able to take our first vacation together,  which was an amazing train trip to Santa Fe and a stay at the amazing Raven’s Ridge Bed and Breakfast to celebrate our 20th anniversary. ( Truly a magical place– if you ever plan to visit Santa Fe, Raven’s Ridge is a must. Phyllis and Judge are amazing hosts–and cooks! ) I also started volunteering at our local spiritual/new age store, Mystical Light and have met a host of amazing people  and gained an wonderful circle of friends. I’ve  learned a lot and have been letting go of a lot of old thinking and fears. Best of all, my husband and I are closer, and we’ve really been focusing on spending more time with the kids. In short,  love is more central to my life.  I have a lot to be thankful for.

I have always thought that being safe meant nothing bad would happen to me. But now I realize that being safe means embracing our truth as love, and knowing that with love, all things truly are possible.

Metamorphosis

Image made from Elfinmoon@facebook and christianclothingblog.com

I’m in trouble; today my pain manifested a body.

Arms and legs, torso and neck, started to grow at an alarming rate. I didn’t know what to do, so I tried to ignore it; I watched  some tv, picked my kids up from school, but it continued to grow.  Now it’s  7 feet tall, stooped and tense, looking for the way out; but we are both trapped. I watch in horror as the head grows slowly up and out, like a weird bud. The face forms and quickly snaps around to look me in the face, eyes wary and and intense. My son is behind me, fighting with his fraction worksheet as I keep grabbing the Kleenexes by him as discreetly as possible so he’s not upset by the tears I can’t stop. I can’t breathe, it can’t breathe;  we’re predator and prey locked in a one-animal cage. Love yourself, they beg me, love yourself. But it hasn’t and doesn’t take, and it’s still  growing. Bystanders have been and are intermittently sorry and frustrated–just get out of the cage, they say. Why isn’t the handle working? How come when I use it, the body stays, menacing me with it’s largeness, taking all the air, trapping me in my own skin. I realize I know it well. It used to be my doppelganger, but it’s been fed for so long it’s grown bigger than me,  too big for me to hold in, and I don’t know which one of us will win. I have been trying to let it go for so long, but today I see. Today I see that it wants to be real, it’s ready to be born, and all it has to do is shed my shrinking truth that isn’t large enough to hold it anymore. Predator and prey; pray and prey and  pray. I don’t know how to beat it, and all I know is that it’s him, or me.

A Mouthful of Coins

 

It’s the eve of the Presidential Elections here in the U. S. and people don’t seem to be feeling very united. It’s pretty “us” vs “them”. Generally speaking, the republican party is said  to be based in Biblical values; many Democrats claim the same thing.

I do not like labels. When I am forced to label myself in some way, I try to do so generally and vaguely. I guess I can be called a Mystic Christian, though even that seems small to me compared to the infinite majesty of the Divine. This election especially seems to hinge a lot on one–just what does it mean to be Christian? *I want to share right now that for me, what’s right isn’t about Christianity, it’s about Spirit. But, I think the answer to both is the same.

So, what does Christ teach, what makes a Christian?* Obviously I can’t  even dare to sum up what ages of people of faith have and still contest with one and other, but I can share  the Sunday School basics: We are to love our enemies,( Matthew 5: 43-48)  not withdraw from those who hurt us, ( Matthew 5:39) give unconditionally, especially when it’s not warranted. ( Matthew 5:40) We are to devote ourselves to Divine Love and live  faithfully, knowing that faith in God allows miracles. ( Luke 10: 27 and 17:6)  We are to let the joy of God’s love be our focus, we are to celebrate all that is good, (Philippians 4:8) and not worry about anything, including the future. ( Matthew 6:25-34) We are to forgive,  everything, and then ask God  for forgiveness ourselves.  ( Matthew 6:9-15) We are to privately pray ( Matthew 6:6)  and to live out God’s love to all whom we encounter, quietly giving freely of our possessions and self. ( Matthew 6:1, 19)  We are not to judge anyone, knowing that how we judge is what we  then live ourselves. (Matthew 7:1-3) And we need to know that we only have to seek God to encounter Him, as He loves us and wants us to have what we need. ( Matthew 7:7-9)

Tomorrow, and the days immediately following,  will likely be highly emotionally charged.  Both parties ( and those of third parties may as well)  are likely to even more heatedly  point at the Bible and condemn others for not following what’s in it.  And tonight, I want to ask all whom are reading this to  put their money where their mouth is, that is, to consider this: that rightness stops being right the moment it judges. Yes, the existence of truth means there clearly that which is a lie. ( Matthew 10:34) Yet the minute we despise the liar we have turned our back on the truth. (Matthew 5:43-48)   So  please, join with me in prayer/ meditation/good vibes/  in affirming that  our love for one another as brothers and sisters, not only of America, but of the world and of Spirit, is bigger than any party, person, or idea. ( Philippians 2) ( 1Peter 4:8) ( Mark 12:33) (1Timothy 1:5)  (1 Corinthians 16:14)

Love and blessings to all,

Sam

 

How do we know we are doing the right thing? ( vs the thing we’re more comfortable with)

unityspiritualcenter.com

After a few really tough weeks, I’ve naturally found myself thinking a lot about why I am so upset. It seems my unhappiness lies in being reactive, so many situations trigger things from my past that aren’t resolved, and I get upset. I think this is just a normal aspect of how we work, though I’m not super thrilled about it. While all this was running through my head, a friend online asked ( in general, not of me in particular) how do you know if you should do something, especially if you don’t want to. That is, how do you distinguish your truth from what others say you should think/feel/believe? And it got me thinking that maybe the two things were related. That is, that it is our attachment to certain ideas that seems to decide how reactive we are, and it’s our reactivity that seems to determine if we are coming from a present, truth centered space or one rooted in our past.

“Attached” by Sarah Dahnke itp.nyu.edu

Where I am at right now, I see our spiritual truth is one of being unlimited beings in a limited experience, all the way up until we claim our limitlessness. We are in a finite world that is ruled by reactions which are innate. If you do x then y happens. Or y doesn’t happen because z wasn’t there, etc. ( anyone else have experiments that went kaput in high school chem? ) We live our innate reaction. Living our truth takes work. It doesn’t have to be horrible, that’s up to our minds. But because we are in a world of reaction, it doesn’t just come about all by itself.

chemwiki.ucdavis.edu

When we take away our conditioned responses, we see there is truth, which though universal thankfully has as many ways to appear as there are people who perceive it. But it is innately something learned. If not, why would we need to incarnate? We already were unified truth. Why come here if not to experience it, learn it, live it, ourselves, together.

allthingshealing.com

So when we talk about politics, religion, or education, or race, ( all  rampantly discussed in America right now as the Presidential election nears) etc, we are naturally coming from a place of reaction. We experienced x, which was displeasing and did not represent the truth of ourselves, and we want to fix it. That is natural. But it also keeps us in a cycle of attachment to the dis-ease of our original experience. In effect, we are defining ourselves by what we did not experience from others. I think this is necessary. We know light from dark, we know up because there’s down. And yet when we talk about the unlimitedness of ourselves, of our innate nature, we can see that identifying from lack only gives us half of ourselves, an incomplete truth. As long as we live in a state of reaction, who we think we are and what we do is perpetually determined by others.

walkswithyogi.wordpress.com

Our truth  is unity, which is acting, not reacting, living from our center, completely present. We find that who we are is innate.  Though our feelings and thoughts can be damaged, our truth can only be hidden from us by our innately reactive world, not damaged, removed, or changed.   As we learn to come from our center, from the present, from being, rather than reaction, our former motivations and convictions no longer power us.

incultureparent.com

I have struggled with rebellion against the idea of having to do or be what I was expected to do for most of my life. I was wanted to do or be something I wasn’t naturally wanting to do, and I was mad. What was wrong with me the way I was? Now I see I was being shown, by those actions, how to be who I really was. My parents and teachers were teaching me to surrender, to have discipline, to learn to generate energy myself. They were telling me I was a powerful creator, one that didn’t just have to rely on my present feeling, but could live my truth.  My experience however, was so often the opposite. Why?  I think it’s because I am an especially strong reactor. Fortunately though, I think I also have a especially strong connection to my truth as well. It’s like a magnet, the two are so strong they have canceled each other out and I’ve lived in perpetual limbo for much of my life. I think maybe that’s what a lot indigo/spectrum people like me are; particularly sensitive and strong sensors.

picstopin.com

My long held and practiced  go-to reaction of rebellion and immovability from outside forces ended up especially including rebelling against my own truth, my very self. I guess in a finite world, the awareness and living of our infinite nature comes at a price. It comes with the horror of sensing it always but not often or always seeing or living  it, because we have to learn our way of seeing, and therefore living,  is, at best, incomplete.

thewayeverlasting.com

So what to do with all of this? How do we know the right course of action? Well I think the answer is always going to be it depends how and who and why and it’s individual. But one thing I do know, if we are doing things because they match with how we’ve experienced, we have a good chance  that we might be coming from reaction rather than truth. It’s a good sign to stop and watch our thoughts instead of giving them energy.  When we  no longer are holding up our past reactions as a measure or motivator, does our thinking bear up? Because Love is Truth, we can see if our response is loving, kind, and open, or based in fear, judging, or anger.  And that’s not to judge ourselves, it’s just going back to the question, are we coming from Truth, or our Past?  Anyway, food for thought. I apologize for my rambling, I didn’t sleep much last night because I was busy worrying about all I haven’t done, all I put off, all that I cleared that I have let come back. So this is where I’m writing from. I’m writing from a space of seeing that my reactive thinking hasn’t steered me very well to my truth.  I’m writing from sleep deprivation, and I believe, a virus of some kind that has left me blowing my nose and wheezing not a small amount. If I’ve gone off trail, I apologize, and just continue without me. I guess I just needed a place to explore all these things on my brain, and this post neatly allowed  them all to be up and about. Thanks for giving me this place to think. I’ve realized some things I’ve never realized before!

mylifeurge.com

P.S.  To my dear friend S. M., if you are reading this I apologize for not writing about boundaries first. I owe you a post.

Waiting To Rise

“Baby” by Ron Mueck found on 7dar7.com

There are two questions people have been asking and theorizing about since we could do such things. The first is “What is  the meaning of life?”And the second is “How do we end suffering?”   The problem isn’t a lack of theories. It’s not even our belief- there are plenty of us who believe they know the answer. But after all this time,   no  one has come up with a consensus theory. When you get down to it, we don’t even agree with ourselves much of  the time, our beliefs so often  contradicting not only each other, but with what we actually do.

from http://www.sott.net/articles/show/248735-2012-Collective-Awakening-or-End-of-the-World-

The reality of life is is that we generally spend the entirety our lives trying to free ourselves from the blood and tears from which we are born. All the suffering, despair, shame, earnest but failed attempts at love and happiness we live are  echoes of our entry. We look for salvation, but largely go unsaved. How? The answer, (or the true question)  of the meaning or truth of life is this: it is that we are born asleep. Our sufferings and pain are real as  our dreams are real.  And as we scream with the night terrors, the Maker from which we descend soothes us with invisible hands, splashing water on our faces in the form of our own tears, desperate for us to realize the answer: that we are that Singularity.  We are  the enfleshment , the physical manifestation, of our Maker, and we need only awaken to be whole. The truths we know now are cobwebs and cotton candy, reality  wrapped in so many layers of dream we can’t hardly recognize it, though it exists in every shadow. The truth is real and it is this: the World is perpetually asleep, and our Spirit paces restlessly, waiting for us to rise.

Samantha

Freedom

zagica.blogspot.com

Last week I was in a bad mood. Okay, unfortunately I have been reactive just in general, so a bit touchy, but last week there were hormones involved, and  if we happened to have a Geiger counter laying around the house, I admit that it might  pick up some lingering radiation. I was shouting at the kids, so frustrated with their resistance to do..well, most anything I seemed to want them to do. Finally I even blew up at our poor cat, Pumpkin, an affectionate rescue cat who escaped, had a wild night, and had a litter of kittens on the fourth of July. (and who is getting fixed this week at last!)  I should say she used to be affectionate.  Since she’s had her kittens, I suppose understandably she’s given all her affection to them, and has resorted to yowling at us for food constantly, and supplementing her intake by poaching any food she can reach in the kitchen ( bad kitty!)
Anyway, I went in to the potty and couldn’t find solace even in there, as Pumpkin followed me in, loudly demanding my attention, but shrinking away as if I was hazardous material when I bent to pet her, and I lost my temper.  I was tired of her and that she did nothing for me at all while demanding constantly from me! Just like my kids! Just like everyone! Right?

I emerged from the potty irritated at the poor cat, but mostly at my self, and went to my hubby to recompose myself. ” I just yelled at the cat”, I informed him. ” I told her she does nothing for me and I’m tired of it!”

“I heard you”, he said, finishing up an important game of Slyngo on Facebook.

So we went to bed, and as we were getting ready for sleep, realization hit. I know love is freely given, and not about expecting anything in return, but I haven’t been living that. And as I thought of what Divine Love  really was, it filled me for an amazing moment.  A love pure, big, wide, and ultimately accepting. And then it faded gently as I fell into sleep.

But awake the next morning, there I was, struggling with the same feeling of frustration and emptiness.  If I was loved, wouldn’t people want to make me happy by emptying the damn litter boxes and doing the dishes? I mean,  if we can’t expect anything back, how is love free? Doesn’t it put us in negatives?

Ridiculous right? But I realize I really feel this way. And as I write this, I realize I haven’t been giving love freely because I’ve been living from a deficit. I realize that I feel unloved, even though my husband and parents and children love me immensely and tell me so often.  And I believe them. And I love them, fiercely.   But somehow, I haven’t let it fill me.  I haven’t let it fill me because I don’t love me freely. I  feel undeserving of love and acceptance even though I crave it, I crave it desperately. And so I’ve been left feeling like the love I share is setting me back, which leaves me feeling empty, used, angry, and ashamed because I know I shouldn’t feel like this. Instead of allowing myself ot be filled, I’ve been trying to fill myself up from their actions.   No wonder I’m so upset so often, and so touchy!

Loving freely and deeply, as Divine Love calls us to do, requires we accept Divine Love  into ourselves. We can’t love ourselves when we’re skinnier. Or better mothers or fathers or sisters or brothers or housekeepers. Or when we finish that photo album. Or when our teeth are straight and white.  We have to accept ourselves flawed.

It is only as we do that that we can be filled.  When we are filled, we stop requiring others to fill us through their actions. And it is when we are becoming whole in love that we, too,  can pour out Divine love freely. Just the way it’s given.

sodahead.com

Love Note

From liquidlovelight.com

I read this and I want to tell the person who wrote it and left it on the street that everything is ok, even while my heart is screaming the same thing.  I think this is  probably what most every human heart aches to say.  That we love with a fierceness and truth that we don’t yet know how to live. The answer to our pain and wrongdoing has never changed: Love. Undeserved, free, constant, infinite love.   And whatever comes up in our minds that doesn’t let us accept unconditional love simply  allows  us to know where we need to direct that love first. We can’t wait to be perfect to love. We are made perfect by loving ourselves, and therefore each other, right where we are at.  Can’t believe you deserve it? Love isn’t about what we’ve done, it’s what we are. We have to claim it to live it.

Blessings to you,

Sam

Living

latimesblogs.latimes.com

Fear is necessary to survive. But if we want to live our lives to the fullest, we have to overcome it.  Fear keeps us safe, but trapped. We have to tread carefully in order not to trigger our pain. But when we see that we are not our pain, and accept unconditional love, we are transformed.  We no longer need fear to keep us safe, because love has become our constant comfort.

snippetsandglimpses.wordpress.com

And the best part is, even though certain choices we’ve made can make it a whole lot more difficult for us to accept that unconditional love, we always have the ability to choose it. Isn’t that amazing? So, do you want survive, or do you want to live?

 

The Heartbreak of Ease

For as long as I can remember, I have had a hard time letting go of things. With depression,ADD, and a very modest income added in the mix, our house has grown to something of a second cousin of something you might see on Hoarders. We can walk and there are no pee bottles or anything, but before last weekend we hadn’t seen the floor of our laundry room since December of 1998, and there is much in disrepair.

Our yard, as the extension of our house, leaves much to be desired, with a overgrown tangle in the back that nearly obscured our eldest children’s old swing set. It was so  used and abused by them and the neighbor kids that by the time our little guys came along they couldn’t really use it, something I’ve always felt terrible about.

A month ago, my amazing Saturday morning prayer group felt moved to help me and my family tackle cleaning out, up, and organizing our house.  Well, we call it our prayer group, there’s four of us, including me, and the whole cleanup initiative has been two ladies present and one praying, so it is a huge undertaking, and we so appreciate it!

To even begin cleaning and clearing up, my husband realized we must get one of those huge dumpsters you rent when you get your roof done. God graciously gifted us with an even bigger receptacle, as the size we ordered and already paid for were out the day they were to deliver it, so we got the next biggest one, which takes up 3/4 of our driveway.

Our retired  neighbor, Chester, who as contrast to us mows his lawn constantly and makes handmade planters for his perfectly manicured yard, meandered over and asked us if he could perhaps put a few things in it, and also would we like him to take our old swing set? Well I was thrilled. He’d actually asked me about the swing set before, but it was so awful and rusted and broken that I assumed he’d looked at it and sensibly changed his mind, so we shouted “Yes, take it!”

Today I wandered out to our back garage to make sure there wasn’t anything else I could easily haul into our dumpster before it’s removed today, and I saw our swing set in Chester’s yard. I hardly recognized it. In just days he’d found new swing seats, hung new chain, and painted it to perfection. It’s beautiful! For years our little guys haven’t had anything to play on, and I’ve felt so bad, not being able to afford to fix or haul off our eyesore and get them something nice, and all along, it’s restoration was completely possible and at hand. Not only possible, but simple. Easy.

I guess I’ve been realizing the last several years how my feelings that my needs can’t be met are often not true, and it should please me to see how easily something that seemed completely broken could be brought back to life.

Instead I just feel sad. I feel like our swing set when we had it.   In all likelihood someone else could do good things with what I have and who I am, but I feel like it’s all lost on me.   I guess I’ve been so sucked in by what’s broken,  my energy and hope has been sapped and my vision distorted.

For a while now I’ve had a terrible time sleeping again. When it’s time to go to bed, I get anxious, ancy, and feel upset. I feel like a bad person, like a crock. I do eft, I pray, I turn on the tv to focus on something outside of myself, but by morning I’ve had only a non-sequential handful of hours sleep. I see now why I’ve been struggling, I live in that distortion zone.

I mean I know I’ve been trying to break out of it for what seems like my whole life. But our resurrected swing set, sitting invitingly one yard over, is a monument to my absolute need to align my vision with the truth.

We don’t have to be brand new and without blemish to be great. We just have to give ourselves a second chance, attention, and love and affection. We need to not give up on ourselves because we are worn out. We’re worn out because we haven’t been able to give ourselves the love and care we deserve.

I write this while looking on piles of clothes and items in various plastic containers, waiting to be sorted. I need a shower, I haven’t eaten, and I haven’t brushed my teeth. I tried but it always seems like wasted energy, the food I see and the shower I have just don’t seem worth the effort. I guess I haven’t felt worth the effort.

As I write,  our gigantic dumpster is being taken away. So while the garbage truck makes all  the appropriate beeping backing up noises, maybe right now I’ll chuck in a few last minute items. My sorrow for the damage I’ve suffered.   My shame at letting it pile up so long.  And the self-judgement I’ve held on to for so long for needing help to haul it all away.