After a few really tough weeks, I’ve naturally found myself thinking a lot about why I am so upset. It seems my unhappiness lies in being reactive, so many situations trigger things from my past that aren’t resolved, and I get upset. I think this is just a normal aspect of how we work, though I’m not super thrilled about it. While all this was running through my head, a friend online asked ( in general, not of me in particular) how do you know if you should do something, especially if you don’t want to. That is, how do you distinguish your truth from what others say you should think/feel/believe? And it got me thinking that maybe the two things were related. That is, that it is our attachment to certain ideas that seems to decide how reactive we are, and it’s our reactivity that seems to determine if we are coming from a present, truth centered space or one rooted in our past.
“Attached” by Sarah Dahnke itp.nyu.edu
Where I am at right now, I see our spiritual truth is one of being unlimited beings in a limited experience, all the way up until we claim our limitlessness. We are in a finite world that is ruled by reactions which are innate. If you do x then y happens. Or y doesn’t happen because z wasn’t there, etc. ( anyone else have experiments that went kaput in high school chem? ) We live our innate reaction. Living our truth takes work. It doesn’t have to be horrible, that’s up to our minds. But because we are in a world of reaction, it doesn’t just come about all by itself.
When we take away our conditioned responses, we see there is truth, which though universal thankfully has as many ways to appear as there are people who perceive it. But it is innately something learned. If not, why would we need to incarnate? We already were unified truth. Why come here if not to experience it, learn it, live it, ourselves, together.
So when we talk about politics, religion, or education, or race, ( all rampantly discussed in America right now as the Presidential election nears) etc, we are naturally coming from a place of reaction. We experienced x, which was displeasing and did not represent the truth of ourselves, and we want to fix it. That is natural. But it also keeps us in a cycle of attachment to the dis-ease of our original experience. In effect, we are defining ourselves by what we did not experience from others. I think this is necessary. We know light from dark, we know up because there’s down. And yet when we talk about the unlimitedness of ourselves, of our innate nature, we can see that identifying from lack only gives us half of ourselves, an incomplete truth. As long as we live in a state of reaction, who we think we are and what we do is perpetually determined by others.
Our truth is unity, which is acting, not reacting, living from our center, completely present. We find that who we are is innate. Though our feelings and thoughts can be damaged, our truth can only be hidden from us by our innately reactive world, not damaged, removed, or changed. As we learn to come from our center, from the present, from being, rather than reaction, our former motivations and convictions no longer power us.
I have struggled with rebellion against the idea of having to do or be what I was expected to do for most of my life. I was wanted to do or be something I wasn’t naturally wanting to do, and I was mad. What was wrong with me the way I was? Now I see I was being shown, by those actions, how to be who I really was. My parents and teachers were teaching me to surrender, to have discipline, to learn to generate energy myself. They were telling me I was a powerful creator, one that didn’t just have to rely on my present feeling, but could live my truth. My experience however, was so often the opposite. Why? I think it’s because I am an especially strong reactor. Fortunately though, I think I also have a especially strong connection to my truth as well. It’s like a magnet, the two are so strong they have canceled each other out and I’ve lived in perpetual limbo for much of my life. I think maybe that’s what a lot indigo/spectrum people like me are; particularly sensitive and strong sensors.
My long held and practiced go-to reaction of rebellion and immovability from outside forces ended up especially including rebelling against my own truth, my very self. I guess in a finite world, the awareness and living of our infinite nature comes at a price. It comes with the horror of sensing it always but not often or always seeing or living it, because we have to learn our way of seeing, and therefore living, is, at best, incomplete.
So what to do with all of this? How do we know the right course of action? Well I think the answer is always going to be it depends how and who and why and it’s individual. But one thing I do know, if we are doing things because they match with how we’ve experienced, we have a good chance that we might be coming from reaction rather than truth. It’s a good sign to stop and watch our thoughts instead of giving them energy. When we no longer are holding up our past reactions as a measure or motivator, does our thinking bear up? Because Love is Truth, we can see if our response is loving, kind, and open, or based in fear, judging, or anger. And that’s not to judge ourselves, it’s just going back to the question, are we coming from Truth, or our Past? Anyway, food for thought. I apologize for my rambling, I didn’t sleep much last night because I was busy worrying about all I haven’t done, all I put off, all that I cleared that I have let come back. So this is where I’m writing from. I’m writing from a space of seeing that my reactive thinking hasn’t steered me very well to my truth. I’m writing from sleep deprivation, and I believe, a virus of some kind that has left me blowing my nose and wheezing not a small amount. If I’ve gone off trail, I apologize, and just continue without me. I guess I just needed a place to explore all these things on my brain, and this post neatly allowed them all to be up and about. Thanks for giving me this place to think. I’ve realized some things I’ve never realized before!
- P.S. To my dear friend S. M., if you are reading this I apologize for not writing about boundaries first. I owe you a post.